Tag Archives: Derek

A Waiting Game

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Margaret & Tom relaxing in Florida

A year ago in May, I was thrilled to learn that the University of Texas Press had decided to publish my book about our story in their Louann Atkins Temple Women and Culture series. Last summer I got the manuscript into final form. The book was shortened slightly while I formatted it in a certain way for the editing process. Nelson was a huge help to me, as I also needed to scan some family photos to a high standard so that they could be included in the book.

After the book was copy edited, I had to review it all again in early November and respond to the copy editor’s questions about all kinds of details. Then in December, Tom, Derek, Nelson and I “triangulated” with folks in the editorial and marketing departments at the press about the title. We knew that the book needed a subtitle that would contain the most important search terms, but we didn’t all agree on what those words should be. After a flurry of emails, we finally all agreed on Missing Mila, Finding Family: An International Adoption in the Shadow of the Salvadoran Civil War.

In March I was sent the page proofs. I was excited to be able to get my first sense of what the book will actually look like, a 6 ½ by 9 ½ inch paperback of about 280 pages. But I still had not heard anything about the cover design. I was getting anxious. I wanted a certain picture of Mila as a teenager to be used on the cover, but the design process was up to the art department and out of my hands. Finally, just when Nelson was in El Salvador in late March the Editor in Chief sent me the mock-up. You can imagine how nervous I was to see what they had created. Tom, and Derek were standing right behind me, looking over my shoulder at the computer screen as I opened the file to get our first peek. As the editor put it, “ the designer managed to accommodate [my] dreams for the cover in a very successful and sophisticated yet accessible look. “ It is going to be beautiful.

I get asked almost every day now, “When will it be out?” “How can I get a copy?” While my work is now done–going over the page proofs to catch last little mistakes and creating an index–we’re still only in the seventh inning stretch. My book’s spot in their printing queue is in late October. For those who can’t wait, you can pre-order late this summer at the press’s website. Specifics will follow!

The Last Time I Saw Her: Remembering My Grandmother, Mama Chila

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May 2008

A Remarkable Woman

Two years ago last week, my grandmother Mama Chila passed away. I’m not sure I can describe what an important person she was to the family. It was due to her pure determination that we were even reunited.

After the war, she went back to El Salvador to look for her lost grandson. She asked questions people didn’t want to hear and had doors slammed in her face. She kept pushing until her dream of finding me came true.

When we were reunited she played a crucial roll in bringing the two families together. The first letter she wrote to us after our initial visit was to my younger brother Derek. It started “Dear Grandson.” This was a very meaningful gesture because Derek was not related to her and the reunion had been hard on him. She knew the only way this would work is if we became one family. She set the tone right away.

Since I can’t put into words what she meant to us, I want to share with you my last memory of her.

Remembering Our Last Days

In May of 2008 I went down to Central America for three weeks. Mama Chila had started to get sick the fall of 2007. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I went to go visit, but I was pleasantly surprised to see her condition had improved. She was a little frail, but up to her old tricks, cooking, cleaning and doing chores around the house. I gave her a big hug and greeted the rest of the family. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew this could be the last time I saw her.

I’m pretty sure the first thing she asked me was if I was hungry. She would make a traditional Salvadoran dish called pupusas. Knowing that I was coming she had already gone to the store to get all the ingredients. Mama Chila and my aunt got to work right away.

They must have been really good that day because I ate a lot. I had four for five for lunch. Then I had another two as a snack and three more for dinner. As if I knew this was the last time I would enjoy her cooking, I had more than my fair share.

She loved to cook for me. I think it was her way of taking care of me. I had my own life in America and didn’t need anything from her. The one thing she could do for me, that she knew I loved, was to cook. I didn’t even have to ask. She was always ready when I came to visit and if I didn’t eat at least four she would ask if something was wrong.

This was our relationship. We never talked much about life or about the events of the past. We just had those little moments together. I think they were special in their own way. After everything we had been through, the separation and the journey to reunite, the only thing we needed was that.

The Moment it All Changed: When I Let Go of My Past

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Through most of my life I struggled with the fact that the family I lived with was not my biological family. I am sure this is something that many adopted people go through at some time in their lives. I think much of that came from the fact that when I was younger I knew so little about where I came from and who I was. Your birthday and background are such an important part of your identity and for the first 15 years of my life this was surrounded in mystery.

I think this also stemmed from the fact that I could see my little brother as the child of my parents. He was like them is so many ways and I was so different. Not having people in my life who were like me and who understood me was hard. Then I found my family and I found a piece of myself. However, part of me would not let go of those childhood dreams of seeing my mother again. How are you just supposed to let go of the one thing you wanted all your life?

In the last interview my sister asked at what point did it all start to make sense? When did everything change for me? I can remember the day. The day where I was finally able to let go of my birth mother and accept who I was.

It was May 2003 and I was in Central America visiting Eva. I was talking with her about our biological mother because May 19th is the day that she was taken from us and a day that I always think about her. It used to be a very difficult day for me. For in my mind, this is the day that my world was ripped apart.

I was talking with Eva about this. I was so sad and trying desperately to understand why this happened to us. Then Eva said something that I will never forget. She said that I had a great mother in Margaret and behind her, looking down on us, was our mother.

A few days later I was back in Boston. I think I was still feeling a little down. When I got home Margaret had something for me. It was a letter she had sent me while I was in school. The letter was part of something the school was doing and was supposed to be posted somewhere in school. For whatever reason they received the letter too late and ended up sending it back home.

I opened it up and started to read. The letter said how proud she was of me and what a joy it was to raise both Derek and myself. On the back she wrote “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Do you remember I used to sing that to you when you were little?”

I broke down. I remembered very clearly when she used to sing that song. I remembered all the difficult times we had. But most of all I remembered how she loved and cared for me over the years. How both my adoptive mother and father gave me so much when I was little. How they stood by me when I struggled to understand who I was and what had happened to me. How they always believed in me. How they taught me right from wrong and so many other valuable life lessons.

It was exactly what I needed to hear. My sister was right. Behind my mother was…my mother. I couldn’t believe it. This letter I was supposed to receive during school got sent back but arrived when I was away, so I ended up reading it just when i needed it the most. I guess you might call it fate, but from that moment on things got easier. I felt a sense of peace about the situation that I had not felt before.

Looking back years later I can appreciate so much more what my adoptive family was able to give me. Perhaps my longings for growing up with my birth family came from my youthful ignorance. Or maybe it was easier for me to dream of my perfect family then face the difficulties that every family deals with. Whatever it was, I know now how fortunate I was to have them. After getting to know my biological family more, I see how they struggle with the love and understanding that was given to me unconditionally. How they have a hard time looking past each other’s short comings and just love each other for who they are. What I realize now, is that the perfect family I longed for in my youth, I had all along. Not the family that was my blood but the family that became my blood.

10 Years Since We First Met

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It’s hard to believe that it has been 10 years since we first met. Sometimes people say “it feels like just yesterday.” For me it feels like a lifetime. It seems like so long ago that I walked out of the airport into the arms of my father and sister. I don’t think that’s a bad thing either. I have so many good memories since then that I can hardly believe it was only ten years ago.

People sometimes ask “where do you see yourself in ten years?” Well I can tell you that 10 years ago I would have never guessed this. I would have never guessed I would be sitting in Panama in front of the Christmas tree. I never would have guessed I would be working with my dad and cousin. I never would have guessed I would have such wonderful brothers and sisters to spend the holidays with. I never would have guessed that my mother would be writing about my story, or that people would want to hear me talk about it.

I’m trying to come up with something else meaningful to say about everything that happened and I can’t. I really wanted to write something about how incredible these past years have been and how they have affected my life. I also wanted to talk about what a great family I have, both here and in America. Maybe it’s just too hard to sum up 10 years of memories in a couple paragraphs. I’m at a loss for words. Perhaps I shouldn’t even try and just instead enjoy being here with my family.

All I can say for sure is that I am so lucky to have found these incredible people and to be a part of their lives. I know they feel the same way. I love all of you and you all mean so much to me. Happy 10 years.

Update from Panama

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Its been a busy past few weeks. I was in Disney for a week with some family and then I went to Minnesota to see my younger brother’s graduation. I was home for two days then I left for CR.

I arrived in Costa Rica last week and spent a few days with my older sister. She had not started her new job yet so we had time to hang out. We were pretty lazy just watching movies and catching up.

I can’t believe her daughter Danny is almost nine. Time really flies. When we first met Eva told everyone that she was pregnant. Its been a lot of fun to watch Danny and every one else grow up over the years.

Monday the 21st I left for Panama.The trip to panama was a little interesting because I missed the morning bus. There is a new bus station since I had been here last and the Taxi driver went to the wrong place. By the time we figured out where the correct place was the bus had already left. The driver was really nice though. We chased after the buss and wait by the side of the road for 30 min hoping we hadn’t missed it. We finally gave up and he took me back to the station to see if there was a later buss.

The taxi driver was nice enough not to charge me for all the time we spent looking for the buss. Lucky there was another bus at 11 so I exchanged my ticket for that one. This bus did not go all the way to David panama where my family lives so my father and sister met me at the board to seek me into the country. 🙂

The next day was my birthday which our family celebrated by getting me a big cake with a picture of a doll that looks just like me. I spent most of the day watching season 2 of house with my little sister.

The last time I was here was a year ago and its amazing to see how much everything has changed in that time. My little sister isn’t so little anymore. She is 15 and in 11th grade. Soon she will be off to college.

The city of David is also getting bigger. They are building new raod and new housing compolexes. About 6th months ago they moved into a new house. Its really nice and not too far away from there old house.

I really enjoy my time here even if its doing nothing and watching lots of episodes of House. I’ll be here for a couple of more day then its back to Costa Rica.

I was able to do a little video interview with my sister about our blog. Hopefully I’ll have that up soon . I’m also planning on interviewing other family members about there experiences.

Well thats it for now. I’m here for 10 more days then back to the US.

The men of my life and the baby girl of my heart – by Eva

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There are three men that share my heart, and one beautiful baby girl that has a half.

One of the men is so quiet, nice and caring boy. I remember I loved him and took care of him like a treasure. I still keep in my mind the days we used to walk hanging hands, how small and nice he was. I saw him grow up, becoming an incredible boy. His heart is one of the biggest in the earth, and he’s got a shine that never fades away. Even though his life was hard, he is now a wonderful man, and I gotta say I still love him as the first day I met him, and I am so proud of what he has accomplished though all these years. He’s been so smart at business. He gives his best in every single project. He hasn’t made to many friends, but everyone who knows him loves him as well.

The other men I never saw him grow up, but the day I met him it was a gift from God. Part of my life was returned to me and I feel now I am complete. After missing him for so long he came to me as a wonderful boy. It was incredible to get along as if we spent the whole life together. No one else understands me so well, no one else knows me as he does. He is so smart, so good. If you look into his eyes you can see how much love he has to give, and when he can, he does not hesitate. So friendly, so nice, he is quite a gentlemen. Everybody loves him since he is not selfish and wants to help any time he can. A Wonderful friend, he is loyal, and always cares about others. He’s been always special because God give him a heart that never learned to hate.

The third man is the youngest. He was so small when I met him, so quite and shy, but he couldn’t help it and now he is one of the three men that drives me crazy and owns my heart. He was the perfect company for Roberto for so many years. There are so close and always support to each other. God gave Roberto someone to share childhood, because God knew it is not good to grow up alone. He is crazy about turtles, and no one can tell why is this, but after meeting one of them in person now I understand his fascination about this wonderful animal. Nowadays he is a handsome boy, a lot more talkative now and his quote for me is: “Be adventurous!”

The baby girl that is left keeps the half of my heart. Maybe she does not know what I feel about her, but the day I saw her for the first time I was really happy. I met a cute baby and immediately she opened her arms to me. She couldn’t walk and I remember her first step. She was my baby, I remember changing her pampers and giving her a bath. I remember her mom dressing her like a princess, and a princess she was. She was a really happy child, always hugging and expressing her feelings, her heart is huge and she has a lot of love to share. She is a young lady and the nicest girl I’ve ever met. She is my love, my treasure. She means a lot to me. I wish I could give her more love and time but unfortunately it couldn’t be. Even though I know she loves me and admires me, but what she doesn’t know is that I admire her the most.

And in these few words there they are. Those are my siblings. Each of them are different, but are so a like at the same time. Not every day I can say that but by having them my life is complete. No matter the distance they truly own my heart…

Me and my siblingsMe and My SiblingsMe and My Siblings

The meaning of family – by Eva

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It was late at night. It seemed that every Christmas flight was delayed on this day. It was the longest waiting I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk too much, we were just there waiting. Time passed and we just looked at each other trying to guess what was going on through each other’s mind.

Suddenly a bunch of people come to the exit door and there he comes … Oh my God! That’s him, that’s Roberto! We don’t need any DNA test in our hands to know its him, he is an exact copy of my father standing there! We didn’t know what to do but go over him and hug him. All of us wanted to hug him and touch him, maybe to see if it was truly happening… I remember my grandma’s face, she wanted to cry but she was trying so hard not to.

After all the hugs and kisses, I looked back and they were there. It was his family. It is his father, his mother and little brother. There were like the definition of family. They were there right behind him supporting him but so stumped. I don’t know what would they were thinking at that moment. I can’t imagine the overwhelming feeling they could have been experiencing then but they were so brave. They just were standing there and letting him to reunite with his family and I mean, they are his family… I believe they may be thinking: “we are going to lose him!”

What a difficult decision to make: keep him with them by not saying a word about his family, or let him to get together with his family with the risk to lose him. Myself I don’t know what I would do being in their place.

Today I wonder: How is that you can become family to people you’ve never met? How is that you can also love these people since the very beginning? How is that you get to know them just to look into their eyes? Would it be because all of this was meant to be? What a perfect plan since everything fits since the beginning even if it didn’t look like. God knew how to make it work. He knew the perfect family for him so he would never be alone. God gave him three amazing people that really loved him, cared about him and raised him as the wonderful guy he is. We love them just knowing they took care of him as their own, but then we got to know how wonderful people they are!

I’ve met them 9 years ago, and I heard Tom says once: “… we met 9 years ago, and it seems like we have met you for the whole life…” and now I think those words are so true… Those words meant a lot to me, because he was kind of saying what he feels about us. Margaret said at the Church back in New Hampshire she was glad to have their daughter (me) and her daughter (Dani) at home for Christmas. Derek also said something like: She is our sister, she is visiting! Today I am glad I had them as well. I’ve never felt so supported and never felt someone who is not my own blood takes care of me so much like they all do. They give me support, they give me confidence, they give me advise and they give me love. All of this on top of the material things. Love is what I truly appreciate and keep in my heart.

I guess I’ll always keep saying to them THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU… They must be tired of hearing it but there are no other words to express what I feel about them and about the love they have to my brother who needed them so much, and for us that just appeared one day looking for our boy. Today I gotta say how beautiful people you are!

I’ve never imagined the possibility to “post” ones feelings anywhere, and now that is what I am doing. This post is so personal and it shows my perception and the meaning of the word FAMILY to me, “not always the family that is our blood but the family that can BECOME your blood”

We found your family – by Nelson/Roberto

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Its the last day of camp august 1997. I think its 6 or 7 in the morning. I’ve been up all night. Most of it was spent in 7A. As I’m walking back to my tent I stop by in the bathroom and run into Waldyka. Hes been up all night as well. The grin of his face lets me know he knows where I have been all night. We hang out and cause some trouble. The bugle goes off and now more people are up. Everyone’s up and hanging out in front of 7B. There is a crowd of people so I climb up into Lizzy’s bed on the top bunk because there is no where else to sit. I’m so tired that with in minuets I’m a sleep. But then the second bugle goes off and its time for flag poll.

Now my parents are here and its time to say goodbye. What an amazing summer, I can’t believe its over. As I am saying goodbye I notice Yoli is crying which I think is weird. She doesn’t strike me as the type to cry. I’m so tired all I can think about is going home and sleeping. I hand Josh the envelope my parents brought for him and thank him for the best summer I ever had at camp. We pile into the car and drive off.

In the car ride my parents tell me and my brother that they need to have a serious talk with us after dinner. The though of them getting a divorce flashes through my mind for a second, but that doesn’t make any sense and I quickly push it away. It seams weird they have never done this before but honestly I’m too tired to think about it. We get home and I go right to bed. 5 hours later I wake to my mother telling me its time for dinner. Half a sleep I stumble down the stairs of our house in New Hampshire. We eat dinner. I’m still half a sleep and don’t say much.

As we are clearing our plates my mom says again “Don’t go anywhere we need to talk.” I’m thinking to my self “yea I know I’m not going anywhere.” My brother and I site down again. Now my parents are sitting next to me, one on either side. I’m really stumped whats going on?

My father has a FedEx package on the table. From it he pulls out a magazine or a newsletter. On the cover is a man. He points to the picture and says to me “This is Dr. so and so and he works with children in Honduras.” It was at that point that I knew I found my family. I don’t know how I knew but I did. My father would go on to explain that he works for an organization in El Salvador that helps find lost children. I was hardly listening, I just knew what was coming next and it took everything I had not to completely break down into tears. I had been waiting for this for so long. Then he finally says it “…they believe they have found your birth family”

He goes on to say that I have a father in panama a step mother an older sister and brother. No mention of my mother yet. It turns out that I was born in El Salvador not Honduras. Both my parents fought in the civil war in El Salvador as guerillas As part of the war my mother went with me to Honduras to kid nap a business man. The government found out about it and stormed the house. They think my mother was the one who opened the door and was killed on site.

I feel numb. I’m not sure what to make of this. In all honesty I never imagined having an brother and sister and so many family members. As for my father…well I guess I never really thought about him. The only person I really wanted to see was my mother.

After losing her daughter and grandson my grandmother, who lives in Costa Rica, she went back to El Salvador in 1993 to try out what happened to them. With a little luck she found an organization to help her. They have sent the past 4 years looking for me and found our number on the Internet…how cool. They are the ones who provided the packet with the newsletter.

There are pictures too. My parents say they have been looking at the photos and think that my brother and I look a lot alike. I glance at the picture and I don’t see the resemblance. Its a group picture and my brother is in the back so its hard to tell. There are also letters written to the lost baby “Roberto.” That’s me. Robert…I don’t know if I like that name but my mothers name is Escobar and I think that’s a cool name. Its turns out my birthday is may 22nd so I’m really 16. My august birthday is in a few days but this kind of changes things.

My father says they want to do a blood test to see if we are actually related. He asks me if I would be willing to do it. The question surprises me. Of course I do, but truthfully I don’t need a blood test, I already know its them.