How Do You Make Impossible Decisions?

How do you make an impossible decision? The type of decision that can forever change your life and the lives of the people you care about the most. How do you walk away from a husband who drinks to much? Or leave your comrades at arms to raise a family? How does a teenager find the strength and courage to run away from his or her parents? How do you leave a business that has been your life’s work knowing it might fall apart if you do?

I don’t know how we make these decisions. We think and think, yet no matter how hard we think the answer eludes us. We are faced with a choice of doing what’s best for us or doing what’s best for those around us. You ask yourself a never ending set of questions as you struggle to make the right choice. Should you honor your commitments even when you are no longer happy? Are you being selfish or doing what’s best for you? When is enough, enough?

I wish there was some easy way to know what the best course of action is, but there isn’t. These are things that you must decided for yourself. You can ask for people’s advice and get their input, but at the end of the day you have to live with your choices. You must be accountable for your actions and accept all consequences no matter how undesirable.

Sometimes I feel like our story has been one impossible decision after another. I admire the courage and strength that each of those decisions took to make. There is no right answer. They are impossible because it feels like no ones wins. Even when you know you are doing the best thing for yourself you can’t help but feel bad for the people it is going to effect.

The Moment it All Changed: When I Let Go of My Past

Through most of my life I struggled with the fact that the family I lived with was not my biological family. I am sure this is something that many adopted people go through at some time in their lives. I think much of that came from the fact that when I was younger I knew so little about where I came from and who I was. Your birthday and background are such an important part of your identity and for the first 15 years of my life this was surrounded in mystery.

I think this also stemmed from the fact that I could see my little brother as the child of my parents. He was like them is so many ways and I was so different. Not having people in my life who were like me and who understood me was hard. Then I found my family and I found a piece of myself. However, part of me would not let go of those childhood dreams of seeing my mother again. How are you just supposed to let go of the one thing you wanted all your life?

In the last interview my sister asked at what point did it all start to make sense? When did everything change for me? I can remember the day. The day where I was finally able to let go of my birth mother and accept who I was.

It was May 2003 and I was in Central America visiting Eva. I was talking with her about our biological mother because May 19th is the day that she was taken from us and a day that I always think about her. It used to be a very difficult day for me. For in my mind, this is the day that my world was ripped apart.

I was talking with Eva about this. I was so sad and trying desperately to understand why this happened to us. Then Eva said something that I will never forget. She said that I had a great mother in Margaret and behind her, looking down on us, was our mother.

A few days later I was back in Boston. I think I was still feeling a little down. When I got home Margaret had something for me. It was a letter she had sent me while I was in school. The letter was part of something the school was doing and was supposed to be posted somewhere in school. For whatever reason they received the letter too late and ended up sending it back home.

I opened it up and started to read. The letter said how proud she was of me and what a joy it was to raise both Derek and myself. On the back she wrote “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Do you remember I used to sing that to you when you were little?”

I broke down. I remembered very clearly when she used to sing that song. I remembered all the difficult times we had. But most of all I remembered how she loved and cared for me over the years. How both my adoptive mother and father gave me so much when I was little. How they stood by me when I struggled to understand who I was and what had happened to me. How they always believed in me. How they taught me right from wrong and so many other valuable life lessons.

It was exactly what I needed to hear. My sister was right. Behind my mother was…my mother. I couldn’t believe it. This letter I was supposed to receive during school got sent back but arrived when I was away, so I ended up reading it just when i needed it the most. I guess you might call it fate, but from that moment on things got easier. I felt a sense of peace about the situation that I had not felt before.

Looking back years later I can appreciate so much more what my adoptive family was able to give me. Perhaps my longings for growing up with my birth family came from my youthful ignorance. Or maybe it was easier for me to dream of my perfect family then face the difficulties that every family deals with. Whatever it was, I know now how fortunate I was to have them. After getting to know my biological family more, I see how they struggle with the love and understanding that was given to me unconditionally. How they have a hard time looking past each other’s short comings and just love each other for who they are. What I realize now, is that the perfect family I longed for in my youth, I had all along. Not the family that was my blood but the family that became my blood.

Switching sides: Eva Interviews Me About My Plans For the Future

Here is an interview Eva did with me right before I left Costa Rica the other week. I had to break it into two parts because it went over the youtube time limit and I didn’t want to cut anything out.

We talk about what it was like for me growing up in America and some of my plans for the future. The audio quality isn’t the greatest but it’s still a really great interview.

10 Years Since We First Met

It’s hard to believe that it has been 10 years since we first met. Sometimes people say “it feels like just yesterday.” For me it feels like a lifetime. It seems like so long ago that I walked out of the airport into the arms of my father and sister. I don’t think that’s a bad thing either. I have so many good memories since then that I can hardly believe it was only ten years ago.

People sometimes ask “where do you see yourself in ten years?” Well I can tell you that 10 years ago I would have never guessed this. I would have never guessed I would be sitting in Panama in front of the Christmas tree. I never would have guessed I would be working with my dad and cousin. I never would have guessed I would have such wonderful brothers and sisters to spend the holidays with. I never would have guessed that my mother would be writing about my story, or that people would want to hear me talk about it.

I’m trying to come up with something else meaningful to say about everything that happened and I can’t. I really wanted to write something about how incredible these past years have been and how they have affected my life. I also wanted to talk about what a great family I have, both here and in America. Maybe it’s just too hard to sum up 10 years of memories in a couple paragraphs. I’m at a loss for words. Perhaps I shouldn’t even try and just instead enjoy being here with my family.

All I can say for sure is that I am so lucky to have found these incredible people and to be a part of their lives. I know they feel the same way. I love all of you and you all mean so much to me. Happy 10 years.

Missing you – by Eva

Christmas time already! Time for sharing, for good wishes, for happiness and blessings, for family, for friends, for love! God has been good to me and he gave me the big and wonderful family that I now have. I really love you and I am so happy that I have you now, but even though there is always sadness in my heart.

This is the first Christmas since we started the blog, but of course is not the first Christmas without my mom. Thinking about her is always hard, but the time for Christmas and specially my B-day make it harder.

How much I wish to have her every holiday, every birthday, every single day… sometimes it amazes me how much I miss her, sometimes I find myself thinking about her and imagining how it would be to have her. I am sure she would be a beautiful woman, I am sure we would be so close specially cause I am her only daughter, I am sure she would take care of my daughter and would spoil her like grandmas do.

How it would be to have her for Christmas? I wonder… how it would be to prepare Christmas dinner with her, help her and spend my time with her, along with Daniela, Mama Chila and I am sure with other members of my family… she would be a great cooker right? It is part of our family. How hard is sometimes not to cry when I think about her, every tear is a sign of how much I miss her…

I can’t think about how many Christmas, b-days and holidays I’ve missed her, sometimes I can’t think how I’ve lived without her. The feeling in my heart does not fade away, I still miss her same I missed her when I was 3. But I keep going, life is just about that right? Keep going, growing as a person and living with your experiences, trying to get the best of them. I can’t help to feel sad when I think about her, but I guess it means she is still on my heart.

I really miss you mom you will always be here in my heart…Merry Christmas, you know how much I love you…

The way He works – by Eva

Have you ever thought about your purpose in life? Have you ever thought about the mission you have and the reason why you are here today?

Day by day I live thinking about the reasons that brought me here where I am. Day by day I try to think what makes me be the woman I am nowadays. Sometimes I go back long time ago and start thinking about everything what had happened to me and my family, and sometimes I just happen to think about what is coming next…

Whatever I think gets me to one point: God’s will, and watching today at the video of the interview my brother made, makes me be even surer about that. What a wonderful opportunity this interview was to tell others the story.

But also I was thinking to myself, what a great opportunity we had to meet Amanda, Mr. and Mrs. Gross and Cristina that nice Saturday here in Costa Rica. I have to say at the beginning I thought they seem to be very nice people, but then as long as I got to know them I thought to myself they happen to be not only nice people but really wonderful people. As the conversation went on, I found they are a wonderful family and I was so glad to get to know them. Once we went for lunch somehow we started to talk about our story very naturally, one thing brought to another and then we found ourselves talking about what had happened to our family. And there we were, my brother trying to tell the story in a logical way so they could understand, and me, trying to explain with my lack of English how does it feel to have him back. Someway words just went out and it was really nice to see them immerse in it and trying to understand.

After that the idea of the interview came, and it was done….

Telling the story not only identify ourselves as the persons we are, but also it goes further than that. And today watching at the video I thought how the testimony is allowed to be spread out for more people. And then I wonder again: is that one of our purposes in life? We have to talk about what happened to us, and point the good in it, our story is filled of sad episodes but also it is flowed of happiness and hope, and miracles and blessings!

How wonderful is to tell that in the end, there was something for my brother and I that made us even closer; I guess the story touched hearts.

How wonderful is God who speaks and works in so many ways. There is always a message to give, a message to receive and a message to share! Maybe that is one of our missions now, to touch as much hearts as we can…

Thank you Amanda, Mr. and Mrs. Gross! I am very happy that we get to know you all that beautiful Saturday, and I am sure that was not just a matter of luck, because you know…God is working around…

Eugenia’s Testimonial

First of all, I want to thank everyone who commented about the video. I’m glad that so many of you liked it. It was a great experience and I would like to thank Tod Gross for having me on the show.

This next video is a testimonial that one of my cousins gave at her church. Last year her husband shot her, their child and himself. She survived but the baby did not. It was very hard on my grandmother and that side of the family. My cousin has pulled through and despite everything that happened she is determined to continue to live her life. I can’t imagine how hard this must have been for her and I am proud of her for speaking about it so soon after it happened.

(The video is in Spanish and the audio quality is not the best, but if you are able to understand it then I recommend watching.)