This is a reminder that Wednesday at 5pm my mother and I will be talking about the adoption story and our passions at Wellesley College. We are planning to broadcast live over the web. I hope you all can join us!
You can RSVP for the event here (even if you are joining us online).
Here is the link where you can watch!
If you can’t see the video above click here.
I’ve been asked this question a lot recently: “How do I talk to my adoptive parents about looking for my birth parents?”
Obviously this is a sensitive subject and I do my best to give advice based on my experiences. Keep in mind, I never had this talk with my parents. Even though I wasn’t proactive about this, at the time there are things I did that really helped.
1) Treat them the same – This is probably the easiest thing to do and the most imporant. I think that adoptive parents’ biggest fear is that they are going to lose you; that by finding your birth family, you are going to stop being part of their lives. Everyone who has asked me this question was really aware of this and didn’t want to hurt their adoptive parents. I think by doing the same things as you always do with your adoptive parents they can get over their fear and realize you aren’t going anywhere.
2) Include them – Some parents are more open about this than others, but the more they are a part of the search the easier it might be to deal with. I think a big part of my family getting over its fears was that they went with me and met this new family. As time went on, my adoptive parents got to know them more and it was a lot easier for them.
I also wanted to say something to the adoptive parents out there.
Try to understand this is not about you as parents. You are so important to your adopted child and they don’t want to hurt you. As an adoptee, looking for your birth parents is part of figuring out who you are as a person. I think it’s human nature to resolve unanswered questions, such as where did I come from?
Good luck with your search and if there is anything I can do, or if you have other questions, please feel free to contact me. dewittn@anasmiracle.com
The other weekend I was visiting my parents and I was able to sit down with my mother and talk about the book. We talked about the research that went into it and how she spent time with my birth family trying to piece together the story.
If you can’t see the video above click here.
Originally it was going to be a project for both my mother and father, but they quickly realized that someone had to take full responsibility. In 2002 my mother was finishing up another book she was working on and she decided that it was a great opportunity to start.
In 2004 she got serious about starting the book and began by taking Spanish classes. She knew she would have to have difficult conversations with my family and it would be best to do those in Spanish. My mother and brother both took classes in Costa Rica to help improve her Spanish language skills.
In late 2005 she was at a point where her Spanish was good enough to start interviewing people. She spent a couple of weeks living with members of my birth mother and birth father’s families. During this time there was a lot of opportunity for conversation and to dig a little deeper. They started to remember a lot of details that we did not know before, and helped piece together the story. They also helped her dig up old newspapers which provided a context for our story.
We talked about the repression of memory and how we learned a lot of new information very quickly. My mother talks about how her own records reminded her about pieces of the story she had forgotten.
She really wanted people to be a part of the journey we experienced. To go from not knowing, to putting the pieces back together.
My mother and I had been talking about the power of social networks and how it relates to the book. I thought it would be neat if people could come back to the Facebook group and leave their thoughts about her work. She would love to hear what people think about it and so would I. You can also leave a comment on this post. Hope to hear from you!
The talk I made at my school went very well. There was a good group of about 25 to 30 people there. We also had another 25 people come and go online.
I was really disappointed because I forgot to press the record button before starting the talk. I wanted to share this with everyone who wasn’t able to make it. However, Vinnie came to the rescue and recorded almost the entire talk, which you can watch below. The video quality isn’t great but I really can’t complain because I’m lucky to have anything.
Thank you to everyone who came and watched online. It was a great experience and I hope everyone enjoyed it as much as I did.
My mother and I may be streaming live from Wellesley College on the night of the 28th. When it’s confirmed I will post the event info.
If you can’t see the video above click here to watch it.
Next Wednesday October 14th at 12pm I will be speaking at my college, Wentworth Institute of Technology, about my adoption story. I am planning to talk about how finding my family as well as my experiences at Wentworth led me to become an entrepreneur who is passionate about social change. The talk is being put on by MSA and SHPE and will be open to all.
If you are unable to attend the event in person I will be broadcasting live over the internet at this address:
I realize that this is during the middle of the day and many people may not be able to attend. If you can’t make the event I’ll be recording it and posting it later.
Here is a link to the event on facebook.
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=168242060232&index=1
I’m really excited about this and it should be a great event.
Those of you who been following the Facebook page know that this past Saturday I had a dinner with other Salvadoran adoptees. It was a great event. I met some new people and reconnected with some old friends. I thought about the weekend, and some of the themes that were talked about during the dinner. I decided to make this video as a way to recap the weekend.
One of the themes that came up during the dinner was the idea of being alone. Not because we didn’t have great families and friends to lean on, but the uniqueness of our experiences made it hard for people to relate our feelings. I know that when I first heard of someone else being reunited with their family it meant a lot to me. I felt like there was finally someone who really understood what I had gone through. I had the feeling that some of the others felt that this weekend too.
If there was one take away from this weekend, it’s that you are not alone. No matter what you have gone through or are going through there are people out there who have gone through similar situations. While they may not understand completely, talking to them can help you deal with the issues at hand.
I was asked a couple times how I was able to be so open about everything that happened. I think that a big part had to do with the fact that I talked to others about what I was going through. Although they didn’t always understand, sometimes they said something that made me stop, think and eventually feel better. So if you are feeling alone try to find someone who has gone through something similar. You never know what might happen.
Thank you everyone that has been leaving comments on the Facebook page. I put up an interview with one of the co-producers of a documentary about the effects of the war 17 years later. It’s going to be a great film, so check out the video to find out more. If you haven’t joined the page then you should join, and if you aren’t on Facebook then now is your chance. I’m also planning some more interviews so check back soon.
A couple months ago I wrote about how myself and other Salvadoran adoptees are working to build a support network for Salvadoran adoptees looking for their families. As I said in the post, people adopted from El Salvador during the war face a lot more emotional challenges than other adoptees. I know for myself it took several years to really reconcile everything that happened. Our hope is that we be a resource and a support system for each other.
Saturday night we will be having a dinner to welcome some new adoptees to our group. I’m really excited about meeting everyone and continuing to develop the group. I think this is an important step for the group and everybody attending.
We are planning more events in the future, including a conference type event that will focus on some of the human rights violations that took place in El Salvador at that time.
I’m a big fan of Facebook. I was the third person at my school to sign up (thanks to Caroline.) It’s a great platform for connecting and interacting with people. I set up a fan page for this site because it’s a great way to connect with everyone interested in this story and the upcoming book. If you are on facebook, we would love to hear from you.
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I’ve been asked to give a talk at Wentworth about story and hows its influenced my life. The talk will be tentatively be at 12pm on October 14th. I realize most people won’t be able to attend, but I am planning to stream the event live. More details about the talk and how you can watch coming soon.
This past week, on August 25th (a day with some significance for us to begin with) the world lost a great man, Senator Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts. Others have already given much more fitting eulogies to his accomplishments, but I wanted to put into words my gratitude for what he did for our family.
My brother’s adoption was certainly not normal. The beginning was a very rushed, last minute affair. In order for my parents to go to Honduras to adopt him, they needed their fingerprints cleared by the FBI. That process normally would take weeks (weeks that they didn’t have I might add), but Senator Kennedy pulled some strings and it got done in a few days.
The act in and of itself may not have meant much to the Senator, just helping out his constituents, something he did on a daily basis for over 45 years. But for all of us it means a great deal. Without it, the events that have been detailed in these posts could not have been possible.
Thank you Senator Kennedy for everything you have done for us and others. You will be missed.
RIP
I was born in El Salvador, and my parents were revolutionaries in the civil war. I was separated from my family and adopted by Americans. I grew up here not knowing anything about my past. In 1997 I was reunited with my birth family and traveled down to Central America to meet them. Since then we have become a big family, thanks in part to the internet.
In 1997 we were contacted by phone and told my birth family had been looking for me. To find our number, Physicians for Human Rights preformed an internet search. This was very forward thinking at the time since the internet was still being established and Google hadn’t even taken off yet.
Over the years the internet has become an important part of how we stay in contact. I chat on messenger and video skype with many different members of my family on a daily basis. We don’t always get to see each other in person but this type of connection has kept us close.
Thanks to the internet I am able to help manage the IT systems that my birth father uses in his business. I can manage their server remotely and deploy applications to help them work more effectively. I am able help them with the skills I have learned here and be part of the family business.
I’m really interested to know if anyone else has used the internet this way. Either to find members of their family or to stay connected. I think its amazing how technology allows us to connect and stay connected in many different ways. If you have a similar type of experience please let me know in the comments or by emailing me!
My email is dewittn [at] anasmiracle [dot] com. If you are interested in hearing more about my story you should subscribe here or follow me on twitter here.
In the past few years I have met some more people who, like me, were separated from their families during the Salvadoran civil war. It’s great meeting them as we have a lot in common.
One aspect of our adoption that makes it unusual from other types is the fact that we come from a war torn country. Besides dealing with the identity issues that come from being adopted, there are a whole separate set of issues that come up in this situation. I won’t go into those right now, but they can be very difficult as we try to reconcile what happened to us and how it fits into our lives. Lets just say if we are lucky enough to find our families, sometimes that is only the beginning of the journey.
Since these issues can be very complex and hard to deal with we have been working on building a support network for Salvadoran adoptees. We are hoping to form a bigger group of people who have been reunited and those still looking. The idea is that we will be able to help each other through what can be a difficult process.
Not every child that was adopted during the 80’s was separated due to the war, but it’s impossible to tell when someone is starting out. We want to reach out to those looking for family or who have found family in El Salvador. If you know anyone that was adopted from El Salvador during the 80’s that is looking for family maybe you can help by pointing them to this site.
We are planning an event in the near future to bring us all together. More on that soon. If you are interested in hearing more about the network or the upcoming book, you should subscribe to the blog here or follow me on twitter here.