The end of the blog but not the journey

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Recently I was talking with a friend about what to do with the Ana’s Miracle Blog. I mentioned I only posted 11 times last year and that I felt like I didn’t have as much to say as I used to.

He asked me, “How long does a blog need to go on?”

It was a question that hit me in the face like a frying pan (or maybe just a water balloon.) Internet culture dictates that a blog should go on indefinitely, but does that need to be the case? I realized that maybe it was alright to stop updating this blog.

Why I created this Blog

I created this blog back in 2007 to help my mother as she wrote her book Missing Mila, Fining Family. The book was publish last fall and she ended up using several of my entries. Mission accomplished!

The blog was also an experiment of sharing the story online. I knew the internet was a powerful medium and I wanted to tap into it. While the blog never gain a huge following, (and thats ok!) it did connect me with a few very important people. I have come to realize that the blog wasn’t about being connected to thousands of people, but connecting with people who shared a deep interest in the story.

It’s All About The Connections

Thanks to the blog I was reconnected with John Younger who was my very first camp counselor over 20 years ago. Over the past 15 years we has been working as a TV and Film producer. In the fall of 2010 we decided to work on a documentary film together, called Identifying Nelson/Buscando A Roberto. We are still working on the film but I have come to realize that it is the next iteration of sharing my family’s story. The reception we have gotten so far has been pretty remarkable. We have gotten some good press, several speaking engagements, and a greater interest in my mother’s book.

I feel like the journey of sharing this story is, in many ways, just beginning. It’s like throwing a stone into water. It makes waves that carry on for sometime, which are invisible when you start. I am very excited to see where all the ripples take us.

What to do with the blog?

Internet entrepreneur Jeff Pulver often talks about the idea of digital bread crumbs. Digital content that we leave behind for people to find and learn about who we are. In that spirit I’ve decided to not to delete the blog but just to stop updating it. It is my hope that this site becomes a bread crumb that will lead people back to me, the book, and the film.

I want to thank everyone who has read my words over the past couple years. Writing here has been an incredibly moving and rewarding experience. If you are just finding this site I please feel free to reach out to me and check out our other projects.

“Losing ones family obliges us to find our family. Not always the family that is our blood but the family that can become our blood” ~ Sean Connery in Finding Forester

Missing Mila, Finding Family: An International Adoption in the Shadow of the Salvadoran Civil War.

Identifying Nelson/Buscando A Roberto

The book has been released

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Our anticipation has been running pretty high during September. First, unexpectedly, we received some copies of the paperback cover in the mail. That meant that Missing Mila, Finding Family was actually “in production.”  Then, I noticed last week that my credit card had been charged for the copies I had pre-ordered in July.  Today, Monday, October 3, the UPS truck drove up and unloaded three 40-pound cartons of books in our driveway. Tom and I were there to greet the driver. He wanted to know what he was delivering, and we told him. He seemed interested in the story, too. Tom and I  could hardly wait to open up the cartons and hold the finished book in our hands for the first time. The design department at the press did a wonderful job.

This means the months of waiting are finally over, in fact the book is out nearly a month ahead of schedule.  Now, when you order it through the press,  it  should be filled immediately. That is until the first edition runs out.  So don’t wait any longer!

http://www.missingmila.com

A Waiting Game

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Margaret & Tom relaxing in Florida

A year ago in May, I was thrilled to learn that the University of Texas Press had decided to publish my book about our story in their Louann Atkins Temple Women and Culture series. Last summer I got the manuscript into final form. The book was shortened slightly while I formatted it in a certain way for the editing process. Nelson was a huge help to me, as I also needed to scan some family photos to a high standard so that they could be included in the book.

After the book was copy edited, I had to review it all again in early November and respond to the copy editor’s questions about all kinds of details. Then in December, Tom, Derek, Nelson and I “triangulated” with folks in the editorial and marketing departments at the press about the title. We knew that the book needed a subtitle that would contain the most important search terms, but we didn’t all agree on what those words should be. After a flurry of emails, we finally all agreed on Missing Mila, Finding Family: An International Adoption in the Shadow of the Salvadoran Civil War.

In March I was sent the page proofs. I was excited to be able to get my first sense of what the book will actually look like, a 6 ½ by 9 ½ inch paperback of about 280 pages. But I still had not heard anything about the cover design. I was getting anxious. I wanted a certain picture of Mila as a teenager to be used on the cover, but the design process was up to the art department and out of my hands. Finally, just when Nelson was in El Salvador in late March the Editor in Chief sent me the mock-up. You can imagine how nervous I was to see what they had created. Tom, and Derek were standing right behind me, looking over my shoulder at the computer screen as I opened the file to get our first peek. As the editor put it, “ the designer managed to accommodate [my] dreams for the cover in a very successful and sophisticated yet accessible look. “ It is going to be beautiful.

I get asked almost every day now, “When will it be out?” “How can I get a copy?” While my work is now done–going over the page proofs to catch last little mistakes and creating an index–we’re still only in the seventh inning stretch. My book’s spot in their printing queue is in late October. For those who can’t wait, you can pre-order late this summer at the press’s website. Specifics will follow!

Back from El Salvador, overwhelmed, excited and exhausted.

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Update: This was originally posted April 5th, on Kickstarter but since not everyone gets those updates I’m reposting it here.

John Films/Directs an interview

Wow, what an amazing week. When John and I first started this project we had no idea what to expect. In fact, after completing kickstarter in the Fall, we debated a lot about the best way to start this project. Then about a month and a half ago I received an email from Pro-Busqueda telling me about the Day of The Disappeared in March. John and I weren’t sure what to expect but we knew we had to be there.

This week has been beyond anything either of us could have imagined. For 7 days, we met other disappeared youth and their families. We talked with government officials including the president of El Salvador and the first lady. We interviewed survivors from the war who told us personal stories of suffering and loss. It was an emotional roller coaster.

Amazingly, despite all the terrible things that have happened to this country and its people, there is still so much beauty. The strength and courage of the people who live here is unbelievable. While many remain skeptical about the possibility of long term change, their view of what happened is remarkable.

I was floored when a survivor of one of the bloodiest massacres in all of Central America said to me: “Maybe I have suffered more than others, maybe others have suffered more than me, but what’s important is finding the missing children.” This is coming from someone who as an 11 year old child witnessed his entire village wiped out and then was tortured by military forces. He is not bitter or angry. All he wants is for the disappeared to be found.

John and I know that the footage we got was special. These stories are truly amazing and deserve to be heard. Our initial reaction was to post the videos online, as soon as we got home, so you could see for yourself. However I’m not sure if this does the stories justice.

One thing I have learned from John is that the way you introduce people is important. We want to make sure everyone understands the significance of what was said and it is presented in the best way possible. This of course means sitting on the footage while we sort through it, clean it up and edit it.

Balancing the editorial process with the excitement we both have for getting these stories out there is hard. From the start, we wanted this project to be as open and transparent as possible. All of our footage would be online right now if we thought it was the best way to approach the subject matter. As we work on the next steps we will be looking for creative ways to share our experiences and footage with you. I’m not sure what form that will take but we will let you know as soon as we can.

Stuck between worlds, hoping I never have to choose.

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It’s my last night in Panama. My birth father and I are sitting at the dining room table eating dinner. My stepmother and sister are away, so it’s just us. As we finish, he looks at me and asks:

“So, are you Nelson or Roberto?”

I pause for a second before replying “Both.”

I don’t think I’ve always felt this way. When I first found out my birth name was Roberto, I wasn’t sure if I liked it.

“I don’t feel like a Roberto.” I would say to myself.

Over the years, as I grew closer to my family in Central America, the name grew on me as well. It even got to the point where I would secretly cringe when family in Central America called me by my American name. In this place I was Roberto.

Of course, the reverse was true in the US. There I could not be anyone other than Nelson. Occasionally when I told friends my birth name was Roberto, they would proclaim that they would start calling me that. To this day no one who has met me as Nelson has been able to call me Roberto. Even my Spanish speaking friends can’t make the transition.

Somewhere over the years I absorbed this other identity. I never changed who I was but I allowed this other world to become a part of me. Now, many years later, the two lives and worlds pull me in different directions.

So now what to do? Now that I have these two identities and two lives what do I do with them? I feel like the world wants me to pick.

“You can’t be both you have to choose one.”

I think somewhere deep down inside I am afraid that picking one of these lives means giving up the other.

From time to time my birth father asks when I am going to “settle down.” When I am going to get a job that is going to give me a stable base. I hesitate to tell him that I would not see him as much.

When I finished college, I worked a job that only gave me two weeks of vacation. Sure it provided security, but I sacrificed this whole other part of my life.

Of course, he has his own ideas. He would love for me to live there and work in the family business. Unfortunately, staying in Panama is an equally tough decision. I’ve realized many of the activities that I love are a lot easier to come by in the US. There is also the honest truth that there are more opportunities in the US than Panama.

I try to explain this to my father. I tell him how no matter where I go I’m always missing someone and the only solution I see is to always be traveling. I’m not sure if he understands. How can he? This is his world. There is no other life waiting for him in some far away land.

So here I am stuck. Stuck between worlds. Stuck between lives. One foot in US the other in Central America. One day I may have to choose but I hope, with all my heart, I never have to.

Honoring the disappeared in El Salvador, a turning point we are hoping to be a part of.

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On March 29th, 2011 the Salvadoran government is planning several days of events to honor the children that were disappeared during the country’s 13 year long Civil war. These events include concerts as well as breakfast with the president of El Salvador, Mauricio Funes and his wife. Myself and six other adopted Salvadoran/Americans are hoping to attend these events. This is an important turning point in the history of El Salvador and a huge opportunity for our voices to be heard. With some help we can return to the country which, until now, denied our existence and begin to effect meaningful change.

Day of the disappeared

During the civil war in El Salvador many children were separated from their families. Some were forcibly taken by the military while others where lost in the chaos of war. After being taken from their families the children were then put up for adoption and sold to unknowing parents. They were adopted in El Salvador and to the rest of the world. Now adults, many of us are trying to piece together what happened during the war and how to reconcile the events of the past.

Now, for the first time, the government is taking steps to recognize and promote awareness of what happened . The other week I received word from Pro-Busqueda, an organization dedicated to reuniting the family’s of the disappeared, the Salvadoran government is planning a number of events around the day of the disappeared.

On March 11, 2005, the Human Rights Court ruled in the case of Serrano Cruz Sisters v. El Salvador, initiated by the girls disappearance of Ernestina and Erlinda Serrano Cruz, the first 7 years of age and the second 3 years old, which occurred in June 1982, in Chalatenango.

At sentencing, the Court established, as a remedy, the obligation of the Salvadoran State to designate a day dedicated to children who disappeared during the internal armed conflict in order to sensitize society on the need for Salvadorans working together to find the best solutions that lead to the truth about the whereabouts of the children.

On January 5, 2007, the Legislature declared March 29 of each year, “Day dedicated to missing children during the armed conflict.”

Since then, or even before-the commemoration activities around that date have been driven solely by the victims themselves and by the Association for the search, while mostly state institutions had remained aloof from them.

However, this will not be anymore. When the January 16, 2010, as part of the celebration of the eighteenth anniversary of the signing of the Peace Accords, President of the Republic, my dear husband, apologized to the child victims of conflict, took the decision to take, as appropriate, the responsibility to mark the Day of missing children in the spirit that established the Court, ie, as a remedy for victims whose end, to promote national awareness children victims of disappearance and to promote joint efforts of all sectors to find them and give them back their rights have been violated.

Having our voices be heard

My self and a number of other Salvadoran/American adoptees are planing a trip to El Salvador in March. We feel this is a big step for the Salvadoran government and could be a turning point for the country. Our goal is simple: to be heard.

During wars, when someone is disappeared they are rarely heard from ever again. Most vanish without a trace. With these events we are being given a chance to connect with other disappeared children in a moment of solidarity. One of the events planned during that time is a breakfast with the president of El Salvador and his wife. While we aren’t exactly sure what form this will take it is an opportunity for us to speak directly with people who are actively trying to address everything that happened during our awful war.

The challenge

As we all know, travel can be expensive and some of us are not in a position financially to make this trip. I would hate to think that the only reason we could not participate in this historic event was money. I know times are though but I feel strongly that this is something we can get help with.

Since we are going to be staying with family and friends the only real expense is going to be airfare. To get us all there I estimate that it will cost about $5,000. That’s a lot for the six of us, but there might be people out there willing to help us.

I am however in somewhat of a difficult position. In the fall I asked friends and family to help finance a documentary film I wanted to create. 170 people generously gave to the project and made it a reality. So less than six months later can I really turn to them for financial help again? For me, the answer is no.

Since raising money is not an option I am thinking of other ways to get the trip sponsored. I think there could be a few different ways of doing this but this is what I have come up with so far.

Sponsoring the trip

This trip is going to be a very meaningful and emotional trip for all of us. I know that we will want to remember this trip for a long time. I would love for my fellow adoptees to have a way to record their thoughts or experience. Either for this blog or for themselves. I was thinking of looking into borrowing video or photographic cameras for the trip so they could record everything that happened. Then I realized this might be an opportunity for sponsorship.

Perhaps a company/store/website that sells or rents video/still cameras would be interested in sponsoring the trip. I know companies give sample products out all the time, so how about a real world test? We could use your equipment while on the trip and give feedback about what it was like.

I’m not looking for a freebie, so I’m interested in finding a way to make this work for all involved. I would personally be willing to add a sponsorship link to your company on the site. I would also be willing to provide an honest review of the product or service.

I think this could be a good opportunity for a company, but then again that could just be my opinion. I’ve never tried something like this so I don’t know if anyone would be interested in this but it’s worth a shot. What’s the alternative? Not try, and miss out on a once in a lifetime event?

How you can help

Over the next month, I will be reaching out to different companies to talk about sponsoring the trip. If you have connections to any organization or business that might be interested in sponsoring us, please, please contact me. There is only about a month before we have to leave (March 25th) so time is of the essence.

I’m also open to other ideas/suggestions about ways to raise funds. If you have any ideas about how to raise the $5,000 for the trip I would love to hear those as well. Here are a few that I came up with but I don’t know how effective they would be.

– Airline sponsorship
– Donated air miles
– Some type of travel grant

Thank you so much for your support, it means so much to us.